When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: "How many can you afford?"
A2: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A3: Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
A4: Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A5: Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
A6: Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
A7: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.