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Programmer Jokes

Short Programmer Jokes 2

    Dear Boss,

    I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.

    At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

    In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

    Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

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    APL is a write-only language.

    In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

    C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.

    A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.

    PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or Fortran.

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    Programming Languages are Like Cars

    Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
    FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
    FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
    FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
    COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
    BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
    PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
    C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
    ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
    ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
    Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
    LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
    PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
    FORTH: A go-cart.
    LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
    APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
    Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
    Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

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    Software Development Cycle

    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free. Software Development Cycle
    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
    Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
    Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
    Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
    Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
    Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
    Users find 137 new bugs.
    Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
    Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
    Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
    Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
    New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
    Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

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    A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
    Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
    "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
    Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
    "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
    Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

    The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

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    A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."

    The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."

    The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."

    The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"

    Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."


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